I’ve been a dad for less than a year but one thing I’ve learned is babies put everything in their mouths.

This is what our day is like.

Hey, dad’s watching that. Lets not put the remote in our mouth and change the channel as we eat it.

Dad’s cell phone is not for eating either.

Yes, the iPod is pretty, but it doesn’t need slobber on the inside.

Cat hair is not something you need to pull out of the cat and put in your mouth.

Your shoes looked better on your feet than in your mouth.

I swear I put your socks on your feet, not in your mouth, this morning.

Hey, dad needs those glasses to see clearly. Please stop eating them.

I’d let you eat that bill if they didn’t just double charge us next month, plus late fees.

Hey, you can’t eat that paper either.

Hey, stop eating my wrist pad. Do you want dad to get carpal tunnel? No you can’t pound on the keyboard either. At least not while the computers on.

Here, have a teething toy. What do you mean you don’t want it?

Yes, feel free to eat your toys.

I must just be the meanest dad ever.